I'm going to DIE

Oh my God.

I am going to die.
I'm going to die.
I'm gonna die
I'M GONNA DIE!!!

Thank God math was my last class
And that it was near the end
I don't think
That I would have lasted a second more

Oh my God, I can't believe this, I can't, I can't!

This all started with the test coming back
Joy.
I went up to get mine
Good I was in my desk before I saw my grade;
I may have collapsed otherwise
The last stretch lasted forever and a second
I held together barely
No one else ever cried, so I wouldn't
I would NOT

My friend waited in the hall
As I walked out
Stay calm
Steady
Calm, and steady
"I am dead" said I
They guessed something was up
With my grade
By seeing my face
Guess it wasn't much of a facade, anyway
Thank God I sat in the back
No one else could see me there

Collect things from locker
Steady, and calm
Calm, and steady
No hysterics
Or crying
Or screaming
Or dying
Friend asks what my grade was

Breath catches
Swallow, breathe
Calm
Steady
Calm, and steady
"I got an 84"
They laugh
A mistake
They should know better
They say I'm overreacting
I glare

"This is the worst grade I've ever gotten in Math-on a TEST!"
Or in social studies, or reading
Or science or research
Or Spanish or English
Or anything except for one test
A spelling test, in 3rd grade
I got a seventy
In third grade!

Homeroom
Or hell, if you prefer
Calm.
Steady.
Steady and calm.
My eyes burn
No crying!
Breath is accelerated
I read
My favorite book, in fact
And I forget the test...
For about ten minutes
And then I bite my lip off
For the next five

And then the bus ride
I turn the music up
All the way; my ears hurt
And try very hard not to think
My palms are slick
I have to monitor my breathing
And still I hyperventilate, anyway
I can't cry now
If I start, I won't stop,
And people will ask why

Someone talks to me
I would usually pretend not to hear
And secretly listen to their every word
But now I don't listen
I concentrate on each syllable of the song
I can't let the outside world invade

Off the bus
Calm, and steady
Steady, and calm
Stop hyperventilating
With those shudder-y breaths
Just listen to the damn music
Thank God someone invented rock
My brother says something
"Shut up"
He keeps it up
I repeat myself
And I am truly surprised by the fact
That I repeat myself in a shriek
Not yelling, or screaming,
But halfway in between
He wonders why I'm "mad"

I need distraction
I dump my backpack and my clarinet-
I took it home to play to help my nerves
I go back outside
And finish some yard work
My brother will be happy;
He was meant to help
It's something I've never done before
I've never gotten a B on a test before, either
It wasn't even a B plus
Just a B

Did I mention I'm going to die?
Damn these high expectations
Self-inflicted evils
I'm a straight-A student
If my parents don't kill me
I'll die from waiting for them to finish the job

I finish all my homework
Again, something I never do, not until seven-
Trembling
Calm, and steady
I bribe my brother with candy
To get off the stupid computer
So I can log on
And type
About my personal apocalypse
And impending doom
I must come out alive
Yeah, right
I am shaking as I type

So say I overreact
So say I am being stupid
Maybe you are right
But if sometime when grades come out
My poems and comments stop coming,
Don't say I didn't tell you so . . . .